Evolution of a CCW'er

I have been carrying for a couple of years now, and I've noticed a couple of changes in myself over time. When I first started, I was really new to guns in general, and I seemed to have this urge to talk about it. I didn't actually do that, but the urge was there to bring it up in conversation when the topic was apropos, e.g. talking about prepping for disaster in some store, the people might mention about also having the means to defend your supplies, there is an obvious opportunity there to start babbling about how you always carry etc. Like I said, I didn't actually do it, but the impulse was there. I think it must be kind of like an urge to help myself process the fact that I was now carrying this deadly weapon. Or maybe it was just ego, I felt more... something? I'm not sure, but I'm kind of opening myself up here, so please don't jump down my throat. I'm sure (I hope) others have had the same sort of impulse, and it's not just me.As time has gone on, I have found myself getting more used to carrying this gun on my hip wherever I go out in the world (well, most places, where it's legal of course). And in the process, I find myself not wanting to discuss it at all any more. When I'm in a gun shop and I see some old guy at the counter yacking away about his carry gun, I think to myself "yep, recent recruit" and smile to myself. It seems my urge to talk about it has really disappeared as time has gone on.One last thing I notice in myself is a marked increase in aversion to the idea of ever having to draw the gun to defend myself. Originally, I would go through scenarios in my head, muggings, robberies, active shooters etc, and it was kind of fun thinking about how I could now actually do something about it. Not "fun", maybe "empowering" is the right word. I mean, it feels good when you go from "helpless" to "ok now I can do something", know what I mean? But now, the thought of all these scenarios just makes me feel more stressed. Maybe this is because I have tried to drill it into my brain that I will never, ever use it just as part of an argument or an extension of my ego. It's there ONLY for when someone's life is being threatened. But even there, I read so many accounts on here of people who have iffy encounters late at night in some freeway rest area or gas station or whatever, and sometimes it sounds like the CCW holder was actually getting ready to shoot someone based on not much except a bad feeling. And this scares me, because I can see how easily the same thing could happen to me. Situations are rarely clear cut, I hope I am never in one where things are so confused/uncertain that I have the choice to either not draw, and thus negate the entire purpose of having a gun at all by leaving it too late, or prematurely drawing and shooting someone who was maybe simply an overly aggressive panhandler, or mentally ill (but otherwise harmless), or just an asshole who was only posturing, or whatever. It really concerns me that the range of possible situations where I will have to legitimately use my gun is so narrow and so constrained that the chances of it happening are close to nil. So many situations seem to be either "you shouldn't have drawn at all" or else "it wouldn't have made any difference anyway".Of course I'll keep carrying, because there's always the chance that I may need it some day, but I find as time progresses, I feel less and less "automatic comfort" simply through having the thing on my hip. I think I need to try to look at maybe doing some active training, but that's really expensive and money is pretty tight at the moment. So it has to wait, but possibly acting out training scenarios will help to make me more confident in the moment, and less likely to make mistakes based on fear or over- or under-reaction. I think confidence and knowing how you perform under stress probably helps a great deal to not make mistakes. I know this is a "duh" for many of you, but it's just an idea for how to make myself more comfortable. I figure it's me maturing as a gun owner, hopefully that's so. I find with most things in life, you tend to think you know everything early on, then as time progresses, you realize more and more how little you really know.Anyway, do any of you notice ways that you've changed since you started carrying? via /r/CCW http://ift.tt/2tHbgWs