I'm 26M and something happened tonight that I can't stop thinking about. I want completely honest opinions, even if you think I handled it badly. I'm not looking for people to tell me "you did nothing wrong" just to make me feel better.
I'm seeing this girl. We're not in a serious relationship and I've only known her for a relatively short time. Tonight we were sitting outside her apartment building talking for a few hours. Her 20-year-old younger sister and 12-year-old younger brother were also outside, around 20 meters away from us.
At some point, three guys came over and started hitting her younger sister.
The girl I was with and I immediately started walking towards her. I was thinking about getting involved, but there were three guys and I was alone. I didn't know who they were, whether they were drunk, whether any of them had a weapon, etc. So I turned around to get my phone and call emergency services.
The girl I was with kept walking towards her sister and got to the entrance of the building. I followed her and called emergency services. The operator kept asking me questions like who was attacking her, why they were attacking her, etc. I honestly didn't know any of that. I just knew I had seen three guys hitting a girl. Eventually the girl got inside the building, so I told the operator that she was safe inside and ended the call.
The guys then started coming toward me and yelling things like "Who the fuck are you?" and "Come here, motherfucker." I went inside the building and shut the door.
A few minutes later, everyone was together in the entrance: the girl, her sister, their brother, grandmother, etc.
The grandmother, for whatever reason, decided to come out with a broom and threaten the guys that she would call the police. One of the guys walked past her, the other two stayed at the open door.
Then the weirdest part started.
The one that walked past everyone went straight to the girl I was with, put his hand on her shoulder and asked if she was okay. She didn't seem particularly scared of him and didn't push him away. As she nodded, the grandma started screaming to the guy that she didn't want anything to do with him anymore or something alongside those lines. He was holding himself and i could see it. I grabbed his arm, told him to calm down as lashing towards the grandma wasn't a good idea. As soon as i finished that, the other two guys pulled me out of the block by the arm. One of them was giving me a handshake, the other one was walking very close behind him.
They started asking what my "F*cking deal was. Who did I think i was, that they heard i acted like a big shot around here". That was the first time I've ever been in that area.
I basically told him:
"Look, I have nothing to do with this. I'm with her sister. I just came here to see her. I'm not involved in whatever is going on."
He initially seemed aggressive, but after talking for a few minutes, he completely changed his attitude. He started telling me I was cool and that I had nothing to do with their problems.
At one point, all three guys were basically being friendly toward me. Two of them even kissed my hand several times, which was probably the weirdest thing I've ever experienced. Imagine Marlon Brando from the Godfather. That's the type of "kiss" I received. They had been drinking, so I assume that had something to do with it.
One of them told me that he had slept with both sisters multiple times and basically warned me not to get involved with them seriously. Not in a threatening way. More like "You're cool, bro, don't get yourself into this mess." The girl I was with later told me that this particular guy was "a mistake from her past," so at least that part of his story seems to check out.
At some point I started walking toward my car to leave. One of them called after me:
"Bro, come back for a little bit. We don't want to run after you, we just want to talk."
And I actually went back.
This is one of the parts I'm questioning the most. I could have just kept walking. I knew I could get to my car before they caught me. But I was curious about what they wanted, so I went back and talked to them.
Everything ended peacefully. Nobody touched me and I left completely unharmed.
But throughout basically the entire situation my heart was racing like crazy. During the actual confrontation I didn't really notice it, but once I was walking away from the situation, my hands started shaking. Even 15-20 minutes later I was still somewhat shaky.
And that's what bothered me the most.
I don't consider myself a violent person. I don't start fights and I have absolutely no interest in proving myself by fighting random people. But I also don't feel physically competent at all, and this situation made that very obvious to me.
I keep thinking: what happens if something like this happens again, but it's someone I actually love? What if it's my future wife or child? Would I be able to act?
I didn't want to fight three guys. I know that's stupid. I just wanted to know whether my reaction was reasonable or whether I psychologically folded the moment I saw three people.
For context, I've actually had a pretty bad experience with something similar in the past.
About six years ago, when I was 20, I had a girlfriend who lived in another city about 50 km away. She had a friend who was about 15 years older than us. He was gay and had a big group of male friends.
One night my girlfriend wanted us to go to his house, have some drinks and sleep there. Every part of me was telling me not to go. I didn't want to be there at all. I kept refusing, but she eventually convinced me because she was my first girlfriend.
We went there. There were around 10 guys there. I wasn't drinking and wasn't causing any problems, but some of them were watching me and I could tell the atmosphere was strange.
Around 1 AM I told my girlfriend we should leave. She didn't want to, so eventually we started walking.
As I was putting my shoes on, one of the guys came into the hallway and started calling me a "big shot" and saying he was going to beat my ass. I pushed him away twice because he was getting in my face, but I didn't punch him. I told him to back off because I wasn't interested in fighting.
We left.
About five minutes later, two guys followed us. One was around 40 kg heavier than me and the other was significantly taller.
They knocked me to the ground and kicked me for probably around a minute. I couldn't really fight back because I was on the ground. I tried to flag down a taxi but it didn't stop.
Eventually I made it back to my girlfriend's house.
Then around 4 AM, her mother woke us up screaming that my car was on fire.
Someone had poured gasoline next to my car and set it on fire. Luckily the car itself wasn't burned, but it was clearly meant as a warning.
That experience taught me to trust my instincts. Ever since then, I've avoided situations where something in my head tells me "don't fucking go there."
Which is why tonight was so strange to me.
The moment I saw three guys attacking the girl, my instinct was basically "get the phone and call for help." I didn't want to jump into a 1v3 against unknown, possibly drunk men.
I still feel conflicted about that.
Part of me thinks I handled it correctly because I avoided escalating a potentially dangerous situation, got emergency services involved and ultimately got everyone out safely.
Another part of me thinks I'm psychologically weak because my first instinct wasn't to physically intervene.
I also felt like the girl I was with might have been disappointed in me. She apologized to me several times afterward, and she asked me to stay in contact while I was leaving for the UK soon. I told her I didn't want her waiting for me because I don't want to promise her a relationship I can't give her.
I'm not interested in getting into a serious relationship with her. I like her and she's attractive, but I don't want to become involved in whatever is going on around her family.
So my questions are:
Did I actually handle tonight reasonably, or did I act like a coward?
Was going back when those three guys called me over a stupid decision?
Is the shaking/adrenaline response normal, or does it say something about my ability to handle danger?
And most importantly, if I genuinely want to become more physically and psychologically capable of protecting myself and people close to me, what would you recommend?
I'm planning to start boxing when I move to the UK. I don't want to become some guy looking for fights. I just want to be competent enough that if violence becomes unavoidable, I don't completely freeze.
I'm genuinely interested in hearing both sides. If you think I handled it well, tell me why. If you think I was a coward, tell me why. Just don't sugarcoat it.
