This is something I've been feeling for a long time, but the general inactivity and occasional positive deviance of this sub kept me from posting. Now though, after seeing a pic of a Louisville slugger with nails in it, I want to say something to this sub. Please try to hear me out.
At 10 years old, a man pulled a gun on me and tried to take me. I was able to run away and report this incident to the police. The man was later arrested and put back in prison for a variety of parole violations. Overall, the entire ordeal went as well as it could have possibly gone for me, but a developing brain cannot always properly internalize this information.
The nightmares started almost immediately, most would recur about once a week for a few months. My parents sent me to a therapist when I could no longer look at a white man over 60 without seeing his face. I was paranoid with every step I took and angry without the self-restraint to properly direct it… but most of all, I was overwhelmed with guilt. All the action movies and Dragon Ball Z I watched as a kid taught me that the heroes step up when a bad guy threatens them. I did not.
It fills me with shame that I can provide insight on mental gymnastics that are required to make an elementary school kid feel guilty for not stealing a stranger’s gun and shooting them without any provocation, but this is the power of PTSD.
By 12, my anger was in check, I didn’t have delusions, and things seemed fairly normal, with one exception – I collected weapons. Anything sharp, explosive, or destructive in any way made me feel safe. My mom signed me up for boxing lessons and lacrosse, while my dad began doing archery with me. They wanted to find positive, socially acceptable outlets for these violent interests I had. It took time, but by the time I was 16, I no longer let my insecurities in my own power manifest as a creepy interest in gruesome tools. Having lived this experience, I feel disgusted and fearful from many of the posts on this sub. /u/clostridium_dead I sincerely hope that some part of this message reaches you. Your Slugger has no practical use beyond indicating to others that you might have an unhealthy tendency to fetishize violence. You are not Negan, nor should you want to be.
Eventually, I started competing in mixed martial arts. The positive energy that many people bring to the ring is addicting. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go watch some videos of Daniel Cormier and Tony Ferguson. They exemplify everything that martial arts should be – a sport with its own intrinsic value. Many of the posts in this sub glorify the deadliness of these sports, rather than the art of movement and control.
In college, the PTSD resurfaced after a man assaulted me twice, then proceeded to stalk me and my girlfriend. The second time the man assaulted me, I had a pocket knife on me, the cognitive ability to consider pulling it out, and a feeling of terror. Even still, the lessons I learned over the years allowed me to realize that this was irrational, excessive, and barbaric.
I began wearing a body camera, carrying pepper spray, and keeping constant lines of communication, both with the people who were in jeopardy and with people who would always be a safe resource for me. Of those tools I used, the least important was pepper spray. In fact, I would often forget it at home and not feel any more afraid. Communication with a trusted network is invaluable, and keeping tangible records and evidence eliminates and deters 90% of the threats this world has.
You do not need to know how to break someone’s neck. You do not need a bludgeoning tool with poisoned tips. And, in all likelihood, you don’t need a gun with a 30 round clip sitting by your bed at night. Self-defense is not about allowing your fear to use you as a conduit for needless violence.
Submitted October 23, 2018 at 10:22PM by Nwg416 https://ift.tt/2OKpUKf
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