On finding a feeling of safety

All self defense situations I remember, I decided to freeze or run away.

It took a significant toll on my confidence.

I practised different martial arts and self defense but I never had the impression that I could defend myself now.

Some notes

• When doing sparring, all I could think of were my potential injuries. Therefore I never "won", whatever winning means in this context.
• I thought me punching to the head would not have any effect and I was too weak to make the opponent back off. I asked at a place where boxers can measure their punching impact whether I could do that to get a rational statement about my punching power, but they said, it was reserved for people who did this professionally.
• I experienced over and over that I can neither rely on "friends" to help me out in a fight nor strangers to help me then. So I knew I would be on my own.
• I have already been injured in martial arts when I said "Fuck those fears, I will never progress if I don't risk something".
• Also, it's a habit of always backing down when other people threatened me with violence. I am very good with words, but once violence is in the air, I am done, because of the previous points.
• From time to time I hear by "scientists" how every concussion brings you closer to dementia. So if you train realistically, I will get concussions and if I don't I will stay in this fear or habit of backing down.
• Now, I don't know if I already have brain damage that perpetuates this fear cycle.
• I was attacked on the streets with no support.
• I know what you say: seek therapy. Yet what you don't know is that therapy affirms exposure. You cannot talk this away. You have to make better experiences so you can be more courageous.
• I waste my life not knowing what to do with this quandary and how to really find a feeling of safety. This severely hinders my joy in life.

Submitted April 21, 2021 at 06:16AM by unrealnihilist https://ift.tt/3gmUk1Y