My main problem is following:
I always thought of myself as only strong in my dreams but not in reality but my father opened my eyes: My body is strong build due to experience and genetics and so i have the potential to be pretty strong but here comes the issues: It does not matter how strong i am because my OCD and my anxiety hold me back!! Others tell me i can be very strong but i feel like they just want me to feel good about myself!! I hate myself sometimes for being too cautious and too nice because i know i cannot always be like that if i wanna survive!!
I was bullied and attacked as a little child and i never fought back because i did not want to make someone mad or i am afraid of breaking them apart which seems to be a nice trait but here comes the twist: "If i do not attack, i will be broken apart and beaten up even if the attacker is weaker than me just because of my "overthinking".
I also do not want to be weak and i wanna be strong for real but imagine someone attacks me....in real life....my anxiety will be high: The fear that he kills me because i am too slow or the fear that i crush him and then someone will take revenge or i get into trouble.
But i hate how i feel like i am "at the mercy of someone else" so this is not about looking cool or superior or impressing others but about survival. Maybe one day i have a wife and children and as a man i must be willing to fight even if i die and i hate my anxiety for holding me back. Imagine me being stronger sometimes but still i allow the attack "because of my doormat personality" and then i pay the price.
So even if i learn martial arts...if my personality is diabled and dysfunctional, i will not be able to react fast enough and we know real fights take seconds but i wanna be able to defend myself against someone. I don`t want to just stand there paralyzed and make the attacker`s mode and choices decide my fate. So i wanna learn to be merciless and just hurt someone. Because i am afraid and paranoid. I do not mind losing in one on one competitive fights but like for the case a serious fight happens, i must win or else i am dead or in hospital. So i already plan on training my body and get out it`s full potential but it makes zero difference because the personality decides how the body will be used.
Do you have any advices? Am i the only one who makes these pathetic "what if scenarios" which make me feel even worse?
Also i would love to think of myself as strong but if i never get into a fight, i can never be sure but my first real fight could be my death as well. So i am afraid of either being broken apart or breaking the other one apart too. And i do not wanna feel like the opponent`s mode and choice is my fate. What do you suggest me to do?
Submitted November 23, 2023 at 01:05PM by NakedTruth7 https://ift.tt/nZWtLmG
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